In White Houses
by x-HotMess
Summary: He's my first mistake. JONAS. Joe/Stella


_we promise each other it's til the end._

When Joe and I were twelve years old he kissed my cheek and told me we'd be best friends forever, and I believed him. He could have told me the sky was pink and babies came from cabbage patches and I still would have believed him. He was my best friend. If I couldn't trust him, who could I trust? He didn't care that the others boys in our grade made fun of him for being used as a mannequin for my flourishing designs, for pulling doors open and chairs out for me, for spending his weekends helping me compare fabric samples rather than playing football or baseball out in the mud. It didn't matter to him because I mattered more. It was just the two of us. Joe and Stella against the world.

Of course, Nick and Kevin were my best friends too, but Nick took everything just a little too seriously, although it came in handy when I was being stubborn or uncooperative, because he knew exactly how to word his sentences so I would cave and do whatever they wanted. And Kevin was always so vague that I swore he didn't know anything important about me, until he surprised me on my fourteenth birthday with a bracelet I'd been hinting at, but not even Joe picked up on it.

The Lucas's were my second family, their home was my home, and their lives were my life. Where they went, I followed. I loved them.

_summer's all in bloom, but summer is ending soon._

It's the day after Kevin's graduation, Joe and I have officially finished junior year, and he's been dying to get away for the summer. He shows up on my doorstep and tells me to pack a bag, because we're leaving. I think about asking where we're going, but in the end I don't say anything. I just throw a bunch of clothes in a rucksack and follow him out to the car, where Kevin is bouncing excitedly in the back seat. Nick and Macy are in Nick's car on the curb, and I can't hold in my curiosity anymore.

"What in the name of Marc Jacobs is going on?"

"Road trip," Joe shrugs, opening up the door of his car to let me slide into the cracked leather seat. I turn and look curiously back at Kevin for more details.

He's just as out of the loop as I am. "Don't look at me, he got a call this morning and before we knew it, Nick and I were out of our beds and out the door."

"And Macy's coming too?" I glance out the window towards her waving excitedly at me past Nick's amused face.

"Yeah, Nick's only got two seats in his car and he didn't want me riding with him because last time I accidentally left a candy bar in the sun and it melted onto the dashboard."

I smile and nod at Nick's sensibility as Joe climbs in the drivers seat, turns the engine over and pulls out of the driveway.

"You ready?" he grins, his lips pulling over his teeth with an expression his fans would go crazy for.

"Do I have a choice?" I raise my eyebrows.

He doesn't answer, just winks at me and roars off down the street.

I fall asleep with the smell of the ocean filling my head and the sound of Kevin singing along to the radio, and when I awake it's late afternoon and Joe is pulling into an isolated white house with blue shutters and a rusty screen door.

"What is this place?" I yawn, rubbing my eyes and sitting up a bit straighter in the passenger seat.

"Our producer's aunt's cousin's second best friend's holiday home or something. He offered it to me to stay for the summer, you know, away from the fans and paparazzi."

His eyes are weary and dark, and I realise he's been driving all day with Kevin and I snoozing while he was left to entertain himself.

"This is amazing," I murmur. "How did you get your parents to agree to this?"

He cocks his head at me indignantly. "They trust that we are responsible young gentlemen who are more than capable of looking after ourselves for a week."

"You bribed Frankie to whine until they let you?"

"Yep," he grins, ducking out the door of the car and stretching his stiff muscles.

"Awesome," Kevin exclaims, following Joe out of the car. "This is going to be so much fun! Just us for the whole week."

"Just us," I whisper, looking from the two brothers I travelled with, to Nick and Macy who just pulled up behind us, and back to the white house. Just the five of us. Uncertainty tweaked in the back of my mind as I heard Macy giggle at something Nick has said, but I shake my head and cover my hesitation by sharing an all-knowing smile with Joe.

_with pretty eyed boys girls die to trust, i can't resist the day._

We walk into the house through the creaky door one by one, and we all wrinkle our noses at the musty smell and the grimy walls and the kitchen's puke-colored linoleum. But the view from the back porch makes up for everything the house lacks. There are rickety stairs down onto the wheat-coloured sand and the ocean is a shimmering expanse under the dying rays of the sun.

Back indoors, we scope out the arrangements. There's a living room with a funky looking couch, the bathroom doesn't seem like it's ever been cleaned, and there are two bedrooms with tiny wooden beds that look slightly mouldy.

"Girls get the beds," Kevin states firmly.

Macy and I protest lamely, saying we could share one, but we all know there's no way two people could fit in one of those cots without flattening each other.

Joe rubs his eyes sleepily just as Nick exclaims "So what is there to do around here?"

"I dunno," Kevin scratches his head as he stares around the rundown bungalow. "We should probably get something to eat for the next few days."

"I need a nap," shrugs Joe, at the same time Macy pipes up "I want pizza!"

"What's the magic word?" Nick glances at her out of the corner of his eye with a teasing smile.

"Abracadabra," her laughter tinkles like chimes on the wind as her elbow connects with Nick's ribs.

"So do you want me to drive to that MSV we saw a few miles back?" Joe stares at us through his drooping eyelids.

"No, Joe, you go have a lie down," I insisted, nudging him towards a bedroom. "You're tired."

"Am not," he yawns, putting a damper on his argument.

I just give him the look that I always do when he knows I'm right and he's wrong but he refuses to admit it.

"Fine," he grumbles, slouching towards the bed and collapsing on it face first.

I smile and shake my head, but it seems that a nap is the general consensus. When I look back a couple of minutes later, he has curled onto a semi foetal position, clutching a pillow to his chest, breathing softly in and out.

"Joe," I call out softly. He doesn't respond.

I tiptoe over to the mattress to gently shake his shoulder, when he gives a small sigh and hugs the pillow tighter, burying his face into the light blue cotton. I pause an inch away from him, before pushing back the hair that falls across his forehead and backing out of the room. I pull some spare blankets from the linen closet and go to sleep on the couch, only to find Kevin with his head thrown back over the armrest, snoring.

I roll my eyes and consider kicking him off, but decide I can go sleep on the floor in Macy's room instead, but found that space occupied too. Nick is snoozing on a mess of cushions and comforters, his arm stretched out so that his fingertips connect ever so slightly with Macy's hand that is hanging off the side of the bed, as she sleeps with a small smile on her lips.

I nearly stomp my foot in frustration and wake everyone up, but I just huff back to the room where Joe is sleeping and set up a makeshift bed on the hardwood floor, snuggling into after a long day and falling into a dreamless sleep.

_he's so funny in his bright red shirt._

I woke to the feeling that someone was hovering.

My eyes flutter open and the first thing I saw was a pair of guilty brown eyes floating above my face. I inhale sharply in surprise, and they pull away to reveal the rest of the shame-ridden face.

"Why did you sleep on the ground?" Joe whispers huskily, like he too has only just woken up.

"Kevin was on the sofa, Nick was in Macy's room and you were in here," I yawn, sitting up groggily.

"Why didn't you just wake me up and kick me out?" he bites his lip in apprehension.

"Joe, you drove all day today, you needed the power nap more than I did," I shrug. "Besides, the floor was kinda comfy, it's not big deal."

"It is a big deal, Stella," Joe pouted. "You should have woken me. I feel horrible you had to sleep on the ground when I dragged you out here in the first place."

"Will you stop beating yourself up about it?" I laugh. "What time is it anyway?"

Joe's eyes flick to his wristwatch. "Nearly nine. I think Nick and Kevin already went out to get pizza and groceries."

I cover my yawn with my hand and move to stand up, and Joe offers me his hand. I smile as I take it lightly and he pulls me to my feet.

I grimace at the sight of Joe joining in with Macy and Kevin, rapidly tearing at the greasy slices of cheesy baked dough with their teeth, while Nick is taking an equally ravenous but more dignified approach. I slide into my seat and regard my voracious friends condescendingly down my nose.

"Eat something," Joe pushes a plate in my direction and I raise my eyebrows. "You need to put some meat on those bones."

"Um, no!" I sneer. "There's no way I could fit into Stella Malone couture with the amount of calories in that thing."

He just rolls his eyes and the others laugh because there we were, being Joe and Stella, always agreeing to disagree.

I scan the counter for other items to eat, when my eyes land on a large box of brown bottles.

"Guys?" I gasp. "How did we get so much beer?"

"Nick dared me," Kevin splutters though a mouthful of pepperoni. "I never thought I'd get away with it, but the old lady at the counter didn't say a word."

We all turn and eye the slab of beer cautiously.

"C'mon, guys," Joe announces more confidently than I know he actually is. "One or two won't hurt."

We're all four bottles down one hour later and have an old Twister we found in the linen closer spread out on the porch under the single, weak lightbulb. My head is spinning and my limbs are aching as the fingers on my right hand are splayed out on a faded yellow circle.

"I give up," I groan, standing and stretching my muscles in relief.

There are howls of disappointment and empty triumph from the tangle of people in front of me, because of course they're all too competitive to claim victory over someone who has voluntarily been defeated. I watch as an arm that extends out of red Spiderman t-shirt grab Kevin's ankle. He shrieks and tries to jump to his feet, but Macy is stretched over his legs and she's knocked sideways by his momentum. She barrels into Nick and in a split second Joe is the only one upright in a jumble of bodies and indignant screeches.

"Winner!" he cheers, jumping up and raising both fists above his head with a wide smile slapped on his face.

While the losers argue amongst themselves whose fault it was that they had been beaten, Joe saunters over to the bench I've propped myself against, and takes another swing of beer with a wink in my direction.

"Cheater," I mutter scornfully at him.

"Tell anyone and you'll regret it," he smirks at me.

"Yeah right," I scoff, bringing my own drink to my lips.

He just shakes his head with a roguish smile. "Hey Stella, what do you call nacho cheese?"

He's so ridiculous and random and the memories brought back from that old joke make me giggle just as I've taken a sip of beer, and it ends up coming out my nose and all over Joe's red shirt claiming that his spidey-sense is tingling. He cries out in disgust, before bursting into laughter as well. We're both cackling away and we've drawn the confused attention of everybody else in the room, but there's no point in trying to explain because they wouldn't understand, because they're not us.

Suddenly there are lithe, bronze arms wrapped around our shoulders and Macy beams at me, before glancing and Joe and widening her smile. "I love you guys," she slurs.

"Group hug!" Kevin shrieks, tackling a less than enthusiastic Nick into the embrace, and the five of us sink to the ground in harmony, before disentangling and facing up towards the night sky.

"Best friends forever," Macy sighs under her breath, and there is a general murmur of agreement.

Joe meets my eyes over the top of Nick's head and smiles at me, and there's something else there but I can't grab hold of it, and then the moment is gone and I'm left short of breath while Joe looks back up at the stars.

_it's alright, and it's nice not to feel so alone._

"Are you playing spin the bottle by yourself, man?" Nick exclaims after we've drunk some more and Macy's hand has been firmly cemented in his for the last half-hour.

His comment was directed at Kevin, who had been absent-mindedly twirling a bottle on the floor in front of him while Nick and Macy whispered and giggled and Joe and I loudly debated the pros and cons of velour.

"No!' he protested. "What am I, in middle school?"

"You're a high school graduate, Kevin," Macy stated bluntly, as if he had no idea what he'd been doing for the last four years.

"It's a miracle he made it that far," Joe says to me in a low voice, and I smother a laugh with my hand.

Nick leans forward and takes the bottle out of Kevin's hand, placing it in front of him.

"I never played spin the bottle," he shrugs, flicking his wrist and setting it into a spiral. "I was too scared it wouldn't land on the girl I wanted to kiss."

We all watch hesitantly as the circles slow down, the moonlight reflecting on the contours of that bottle that seems to hold so much weight in the current mood. I can't bear to watch the result, I tear my eyes away and intently study Joe's profile, analysing the perfect proportions of his features as if I didn't already have them memorised.

The sound of glass against wood desists, and silence follows.

"Bad luck, bro," Kevin sighs, and I sneak a glance at the ground in front of Nick's crossed legs. The neck of the bottle is pointed towards the sea and empty space.

_and she's so pretty and she's so sure, maybe i'm more clever than a girl like her._

Nick looks deflated and opens his mouth to brush off his disillusionment when Macy releases his hand and reaches forward, poking at the direction of the bottle so it turns that little bit further to point at her. She turns to Nick expectantly and all he can do is gape at her, completely gobsmacked.

"Well?" she implores. "Did it land on the right girl?"

He gives her a diminutive nod and I notice that he's trembling a little bit. Poor guy, he never did react well to being put on the spot, and that's without being under the influence of alcohol. Luckily Macy more than makes up for his lack of spontaneity and she leans in until she's barely centimetres away from his lips. Nervously he inches his hand up to the back of her head and closes the gap.

I exchange incredulous glances with Joe and Kevin, but none of us can really pretend like we hadn't seen this coming for months now.

Their kiss is short and sweet, and Macy breaks away sooner that Nick probably would have liked to roll the bottle back across the porch. "Your turn, Kevin."

"But I don't want to kiss anyone," he protests lazily, pushing the bottle towards Joe and I before getting to his feet. "I just want some more pizza."

As he disappears back into the house, Nick and Macy turn to us in anticipation, and I don't like the eager, calculating look in their eyes. "Go on, Joe." Nick urges.

"Why not?" he shrugs, sending the bottle into a fast rotation. "I was always lucky with landing on the girl I wanted to kiss."

"Yeah, because you never wanted to _not_ kiss girls!" I retort scathingly.

"True," he grins as the bottle skids to a stop and it's pointing right at me.

Suddenly my lungs are in my throat and my brain is filling with thoughts but my mouth can't form the words. "J-Joe…" I stutter.

"Lucky again," he glances at me out of the corner of his eyes before rolling them at the triumphant expressions on the faces of our friends.

I nervously turn to face him and gulp. "What are you doing?"

"Trust me," he leans forward and winks one of his pretty eyes, and of course I do.

His face is getting closer and closer to mine and _ohmygod_ this is actually happening. My eyes flutter closed and I anxiously purse my lips as I feel his proximity to me reach its peak. But then there's a quick pressure of soft lips against my cheek and the air around me is suddenly cold. I snap open my eyes to see Joe smirking at me like he usually does, but there's something missing in his eyes, something like an apology.

"You call that a kiss?" Macy twitches her nose in derision. "Joe, you're such a coward!"

Joe's brow crumples and he angrily opens his mouth to fight back, but Kevin's voice from behind the door intervenes.

"Guys! I found a record player! And some old vinyls! Come check it out!"

_boy we're going way too fast, it's all too sweet to last._

I sit in the window seat watching Macy spinning around and around to David Bowie, and then she trips but Nick reaches out around dips her low in his arms as he controls her descent. He lays her down on the floor, hovering nervously over her, and Macy is giggling and I'm so jealous I can't stand it. I shouldn't be jealous of two of my best friends who have found what they've been looking for, it wasn't right, I should be happy for them.

It wasn't fair. I couldn't even decide what I was looking for. They're younger than me, less mature, I should have known what it feels like before they did. I'm seething and I push myself off the cushions and sprint out the back door, ignoring the sound of my name being called that's mixed with the rusty cry of the door swinging back and forth on its hinges.

The wooden stairs creak in protest as I launch myself down them, the sand squeaking as I bury my feet in it and take off running down the beach. The small beach is a pale gray under the moonlight, and the invisible ocean hushes in the darkness. My strides are sluggish in the cold sand that insists on grating every miniscule particle against my skin, and I give up after a few more steps. I push my hand to my chest and try to catch my breath in the heavy atmosphere that's suppressing me before dropping to my knees.

I hear somebody running and they slow to a walk as they approach me. I'm too scared to turn around because I might just asphyxiate.

"Stella?" Joe crouches down beside me and he pushes my bangs off my forehead. It's the simplest gesture that he's done a million times before and yet this time I feel like there's something more behind it, like a gun that's been firing blanks but now someone has put in a live round.

"Why didn't you kiss me?" I question him curiously.

"Because you're, well, you're you, Stella," he shakes his head. "I can't kiss you. Not like this."

"Like what?" I know he didn't mean it as an insult, but I'm still miffed.

"We're drunk, on some random beach, it's not special," he pats my head and lets his hand rest on the back of my neck. "You deserve better."

I'm unravelling. Everything I've built up over the years, the walls of denial with bricks of suppressed lust and uncertain frustration, it all comes crumbling down.

I feel his fingers playing with the blonde locks at the nape of my head, twisting them around each individual digit, and they bunch tightly into a fist as I grab the front of his shirt and crash his mouth into my own, and before we know it we're both in way over our heads.

_love, or something, ignites in my veins._

He tastes like beer and honey and I can't get enough. His tongue is soft and delicious against mine and I'm acutely aware of his hands on the side of my face as my hands are clenched tightly to his shoulders.

He breaks away, panting, and his eyes are slightly delirious. "Is this actually happening? It's not some alcohol induced hallucination?"

"I wouldn't put it past you," I giggle, taking his hand and linking my fingers in between his.

"We should get back," he pulls me to my feet and I stumble forward slightly, but he catches me easily and presses another kiss to my forehead.

"Do we have to?" I glance back at the dimly lit house in the distance, I can see Kevin on the phone out on the back porch, and Macy is singing Diamond Dogs at the top of her lungs from inside. "Let's go somewhere we can be alone."

"I know just the place," he grins.

He takes my hand and leads me up the sand dune towards where his car is parked. He pushes me up against the hood for another kiss, before pulling away and opening the back door. Always the gentleman.

"Seriously, Joe?" I raise my eyebrows mockingly. "The back seat of your car? What do you take me for?"

"No pressure," he grins slyly. "It's just somewhere they won't find us."

I fold my arms and begin to make another sardonic comment, but I hear Nick yell our names from behind the house, so instead I clamp my hand over Joe's mouth and drag him into the car, staying low and out of plain sight.

We make eye contact and that's all it takes for us to silently burst into laughter. I feel his shaking body perched precariously above mine, how it's kind of awkward but somehow comfortable, and while he's still sniggering I incline my head and press my lips against the tip of his nose.

He stops laughing and instead leans down to kiss the side of my neck. The feel of him is intoxicating and I tilt my hips upwards, connecting with twitching groin. He gasps faintly and his hand tightens at the curve of my waist, pressing into my skin. Our mouths collide and the taste of his tongue trickles down my throat and I don't think I've savoured anything quite like this before. My dress is pushed up around my breasts and I claw at Joe's stupid red comic book shirt, pulling it over his head and running my hands up and down his muscular torso.

"Do you think we're going too fast?" Joe pulls away for a second, his blurry eyes trying to focus on my sweaty face. "Or not fast enough?"

I prop myself up on my elbows, zipping my dress off my body and reaching for his belt buckle. "The second one," I hiss.

I feel dizzy but I'm trying to preserve every second in my memory. The salty tang of his collarbone, the way my shoulder glides under his teeth as he nips at my skin. The smell of gasoline that mixes with the shimmering hot air of the summer night that surrounds us, tinged with jasmine and the sea breeze. The way I let his hand glide down my side, down my thigh, his fingers catching my panties and dragging them along with him.

I'm terrified and completely calm all at once. On some level this feels wrong and forbidden, but I trust Joe more than anything and I love him more than anything and so anything that happens between us has to be right. Right?

I hear the grating of a zipper and I reach down to help him remove his pants, revealing the one part of his body I'd only ever fantasised about. Our eyes meet again but this time we don't laugh. He only kisses me harder and I position myself carefully beneath him.

Before I really even have time to react, he enters me and I gasp as I realise _I am having sex with my best friend Joseph Lucas_. This is big. This is a big deal. This is a big fucking deal.

The pressure is making my ears ring, and it hurts a little, but not as much as I was told it would. All the blood rushes to my face and my cheeks are flushed as we stare at each other, neither of us really believing in the connection, how we'd always wondered but never imagined we'd be sharing skin like this, never like this. The way he's looking at me makes me feel like I'm the only one in the world and if I could stop time and stay in this moment forever then I would. I never want this feeling to go away.

_we were all in love, and we all got hurt._

We lay there in the dark for what feels like forever, the condensation cooling on my skin as it trickles onto the car seat. The world around me is suddenly sharper, everything is more noticeable, louder, brighter.

"Stella? Joe?" our names are being called and we separate immediately, but find it difficult, like trying to pull apart two corners of clingwrap fastened together.

Joe wrestles his shirt back on and I yank my dress over my chest just in time as Kevin raps his knuckles on the misted car window.

"What?" Joe snaps, pulling his pants back on.

"Whatcha doin'?" Kevin presses his face up against the window, rubbing desperately at the fog without realising it's coming from the inside.

Joe throws an indecipherable look towards me before shoving the door open and sending Kevin stumbling backwards.

"You know what, Kevin, I really don't think that's any of your business!" the fury in his voice is uncalled for and I know it all isn't directed at his brother.

Kevin's drunk, innocent face clouds over with hurt and he looks behind Joe to me, struggling to zip up my dress. He frowns in confusion for a moment, before realisation dawns over his face and his cheeks turn bright pink.

"Oh god. Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I didn't realise I was interrupting anything," he stammers, chewing nervously on his thumbnail.

"You weren't," Joe's voice has softened, but it still has a sharp edge to it.

There is a claustrophobic silence as I finally get the teeth of my zipper to agree with each other, and scramble out of the back seat. I look nervously from Kevin, face still burning red, to Joe, who in comparison is white as a sheet.

"So," I say because I can't stand the quiet any longer.

"Macy was looking for you," Kevin pipes up irrelevantly yet helpfully, and I exhale in gratitude.

"I have to go," Joe digs the keys out of his pocket and strides purposefully to the wheel.

"What?" I exclaim, in too much of a daze to even make sense of him. "You can't, you're under the influence, you'll get a DUI!"

"I won't go far," he grunts as he turns the engine over. "I just need to be alone."

There's a sinking feeling in my stomach but I refuse to let it take hold of me. "Joe! Don't go! Stay. Stay here with me."

But he's already reversing down the driveway and I feel desperation claw its way up my throat. "What is he doing?" I whisper to myself.

Kevin doesn't understand that my question isn't directed at him, and tries to answer me. "I have no idea. I thought he'd be happy now you two were finally together."

Suddenly I can't feel anything but the blood underneath my skin, rushing through my veins, searing through my body trying to burn its way out. I turn on him.

"We're not together!" I scream. "Do we look like we're fucking together? All I see is me standing in an empty driveway with my underwear in his back seat while he's trying to run away from whatever the fuck his problem is!"

"Stella, don't yell at him!" Nick's defensive voice emerges from the darkness behind me, and I turn to face him hysterically.

"Don't tell me what to do, Nicholas Lucas! You can try and freakishly control your world, but you cannot try and control mine, okay?" Ironically, I am in vital need of some control right now.

"Stella, what's the matter?" Macy materializes from behind Nick, and the way his facial expression instantly transforms from confused and angry into completely lovesick makes me want to puke.

Her hand reaches out and squeezes my shoulder in concern, but it feels like a mechanical clamp crushing my bones. I cringe and pull away, wrapping my arms around myself, suddenly freezing. There are questions that demand answers coming at me from all sides and I can feel my heart shrivelling up inside my chest. So I just run my fingers through my hair and give all of them my best glowering look.

"Just leave me alone. I don't want to talk about it."

"But Stella…" Nick takes a step forward.

"No!" I shriek. "No more talking! You and your talking got us into this mess!"

"What mess?" Tears are sparkling in Macy's eyes and I know she wants to do something, she just doesn't know what.

"It's nothing. Ask Joe. He'll tell you it's nothing," I mutter bitterly, storming towards the house, wrenching open the door and throwing myself down on my bed, willing myself not to cry. But my pillow smells like him, like that cologne I helped him pick when we were at that weird boutique in London. It smells like better times. And I let the tears flow until I run out of bodily fluid and fall into a restless sleep.

_we gave each other up so easily._

I wake up the next morning feeling like shit. My lips are cracked, my eyelashes are crusted together, my frontal lobe is trying to break free from the rest of my brain, and my inner thighs ache. Groaning, I roll over to see a figure curled up on the floor next to me, tangled in blankets. My heart skips a beat. Then I remember the person I want it to be isn't 5'5 with blonde highlights.

"Macy," I croak, using all the energy left in my body to reach over and shake her shoulder.

"Mmmmphhuurrgghhhhalurgh," she rolls over groggily, her tired eyes meeting mine. Then she gasps and sits up straight. "Stella! Oh my god, are you okay?"

"Define okay," I groan, rubbing my temples.

Macy stands up and squeezes herself into the little bed with me. "Not like you've just been crapped out of someone's bowel and then been trodden in, then compacted into the tread of the sneakers that stepped in you, all the while being smeared across the pavement."

Despite myself, I smile. "Then no, I am not okay."

"What happened last night?" she affectionately toys with my hair, and in that moment I am so thankful I have her in my life. "I mean, I'm pretty fuzzy for a lot of it, but I remember the beginning and I remember the end. And the end sucked balls."

"Tell me about it," I snigger, before taking a deep breath. "I had sex with Joe."

"WHAT?" she screeches, driving a knife into my hangover. "Are you serious? Wow, holy shit, that's a big deal!"

"I know," I purse my lips and wait for her to put the pieces together.

"But last night… he didn't, I mean… he drove off. He wasn't even around when…" I can practically see the lightbulb go off above her head. "That bastard!"

"I don't know what I did," I can feel the tears filling up my bloodshot eyes again, and my voice is struggling not to waver. "One minute, we're sharing the most intimate connection two people can have with each other, the next I'm being discarded like a worthless piece of trash."

"Oh, Stella," Macy hugs me. "You know you're not trash. And Joe knows you're not trash. He's just an idiot. He came back after twenty minutes rambling about making a mistake and wanting to see you. Kevin wouldn't let him wake you up and Nick essentially had to knock him unconscious for him to go to sleep on the couch."

"He thinks I'm a mistake," I tried to let the truth of the words sink in, but my mind was rejecting them in favour of the glimmer of hope that results in a happy ending.

"I don't think he thinks you were a mistake," Macy shrugs, the weight of her petite shoulder against mine a welcome comfort. "His mistake was leaving you behind."

"Really?" I look at her eagerly. "You think so?"

"I do," she grins, and my chest swells with optimism. "But you need to talk to him."

The reality of having to face Joe after last night deflates my growing confidence like a dying bounce-house. Macy smooths my hair down and kisses me on the side of the cheek. She doesn't say anything else, just slides out from beside me and saunters out the door. I hear Nick's voice greet her from the kitchen, and wince and the sound of a muffled kiss. Kevin makes some sort of exclamation about the marshmallows in his Lucky Charms, before some more hushed voices exchange words and the sound of three chairs scraping across the floor indicate that my moment is coming. Macy and Nick tread past my door, hand in hand, both throwing me supportive glances. Kevin leans in the doorway.

"He's in the kitchen," he murmurs, biting his lip.

"Okay," I sigh, rolling out from underneath the covers and smoothing down my rumpled dress that I never got changed out of.

He's still wearing his Spiderman shirt, glaringly focused on his grilled cheese on the plate in front of him. He hears me come in and stands up, before shaking his head and sitting back down.

"Morning," he mumbles, concentrating his gaze on a part of my forehead and it's very disconcerting.

"What did I do?" I cut to the chase, which is quite unlike me. Then again, I'm not feeling like myself today.

"Nothing. It's what I did," he digs his hands into his hair frustratedly. "I made a mistake."

"You think? You really shouldn't have driven off last night." Suddenly he's looking frighteningly into my eyes and I know that's not the mistake he was talking about. "Oh."

"It wasn't supposed to be like this," he whispers.

"Like what, Joe?" I try to add a little condescension into my tone, but I can't pull it off and I just sound pathetic. I sink into the chair opposite him and wait for him to deliver the final blow.

"You… you're Stella. And I'm Joe. And we're Stella and Joe. You're my best friend and I love you," his stare doesn't break mine, and I want to scream. "But I also know you. I know you better than you know yourself. You don't understand what it's like to see someone who's so extraordinary living a normal life every day. Especially when I know how exceptionally un-extraordinary I am, when I'm off being a global superstar."

"What are you saying?" I growl coldly. "That you can't be with normal ol' me because it would interfere with your rockstar lifestyle?"

"No, of course not," he groans, rolling his eyes. "I'm saying that you deserve more, more than I could ever give."

"But I don't want more," I curse inwardly as my throat closes up. "I just want you. This is our chance!"

I didn't know anyone could look so happy and so sad at the same time, but Joe pulled it off flawlessly.

"But you shouldn't," he hisses. "You were so, so vulnerable last night and I just took advantage of that. That's who I am. I take life's lemons and make fucked-up lemonade instead of taking the time to make it special. And you shouldn't be with someone like that. Like me."

I push myself to my feet. "So you're saying you're not in love with me?"

He rises to meet my eyes. "I'm saying you can't be in love with me."

I just nod, the words _too late_ reverberating around my mind, but I just don't have any words left to say to him. None that would matter. I make a move to walk away, but his hand shoots out and grabs my wrist from across the table.

"I never meant to hurt you, Stella. We're going to be okay, right?" his eyes are hollow and desperate and I can't bring myself to tell him I didn't think so.

"Sure," I lie.

_i feel so far from where i've been._

I stare at the cursive handwriting scattered across the page. I don't remember writing any of it, I just bled myself out through the pen, every thought, every desire, every fragment of my broken heart, it's inked onto this blank paper from Kevin's songbook. I run my fingers lightly over the indents left from other memories, other ideas being written on the pages before it. I wonder if I'll leave behind any of my feelings when I rip away my letter. The paper tears off easily, and there it is. The ghost of my writing is sunken into the next page. On the next page it's faded even more. In two more pages it won't even exist. Like I was never really here, in this moment.

I glance at the keys in my lap. Kevin had taken Joe down for a walk on the beach because he couldn't stand to hear Macy yelling anymore. Now she and Nick were whispering fiercely outside my room while I was crouched at the dresser, pouring out my soul.

I wanted to go. Nick gave me his car keys. Macy wanted to drive with me. Nick didn't want her to leave. Now he is anxiously trying to get her to stay while I throw together the last of my possessions.

"Just come with us!" Macy huffs.

"I can't leave my brother," Nick states loyally.

"And I can't leave my best friend," she retorts.

"Macy," he sighs with such longing in his voice that I shudder in envy. "I feel like I'm only starting to know you. I'm not ready for this to end."

"End? I'm not ending anything!" she yelps. "You're coming back home soon, right? We can still hang out this summer!"

"World tour, remember?" he groans. "Can you blame me for wanting to spend as much time as possible with you as I can before I go?"

"The tour will end, Nick," Macy places her hands on his shoulders. "I'll still be here when you get back."

"You don't know how hard it is to be away from someone you care about for so long," he nods in my direction. "Just ask Joe."

I pause at his name. Macy glares at Nick and rushes to my side.

"Are you going to be okay?" she hugs me gently.

"No. Never," I whimper, rubbing at my eyes with the back of my hand.

"Don't worry," Macy picks up our bags and turning to face Nick in the doorway. "Time heals all wounds."

"Not these ones," I pull a sweater over my head as we walk out to Nick's car.

I sidle into the passenger's seat as Macy throws our stuff in the trunk, and watch with a pang of guilt as she says goodbye to Nick.

"I won't see you until I get back," he places his hands on her cheeks. "Promise you won't change."

"People change every second," she slides her arms up his back. "Every moment is a step towards making you who you are."

"Well try not to make too many big steps," Nick chuckles, pressing his lips to her forehead, before drawing her in for a tight embrace. "I'll miss you."

"I miss you already," she mumbles into his chest.

They break away after an eternity, and Nick wanders over to my window as Macy climbs behind the wheel.

"I really wish you were staying," he kisses my cheek, throwing a wistful look behind me.

"I would, but you're the wrong Lucas brother who should be out here begging me not to go," I lean my head back on my seat and look over at Joe's car, the vehicle that changed everything.

"Oh Stella," Nick frowns pityingly at me, and a flash of rebellion rises within me. "Don't even worry about him. There are plenty more fish in the sea."

"Really?" I snap. "Well, if you come back from your stupid tour and Macy doesn't want you anymore, should I just repeat that little pearl of wisdom to you?"

His face pales, his eyes widen with hurt, and my sudden courage dies with Macy's cry of indignation.

"Sorry," I cover my face in shame. "I shouldn't have said that."

"It's okay, it was a dumb thing for me to say anyway," he takes a step back as Macy starts the engine.

"The thing is, Nick," I sigh, pulling the little piece of paper I feel like I wrote so long ago out of my pocket. "I only want one fish."

I flick the letter out the car window, watching it float down to the ground, plumes of dust curling upwards as it skids to a stop. Nick looks down at it as Macy pulls down the driveway, but he doesn't touch it. He knows it's not his to touch. I watch him walk back towards the house from the side mirror, watching two other tall figures join him on the front porch. One of them picks up a chair and smashes it into the ground as a howl of anguish reaches my ears over the sound of the motor. After that I don't look back anymore.

The sunlight is disappearing into the night, and the moon stares down at me like a giant, unwinking eye in stretch of nothingness, without even stars to pinpoint their light through the dark. I know we'll be home long after midnight, but it won't really feel like home without the boy I left behind in that white house. A rain drop splats onto the windshield as we turn onto the highway, and Macy turn on the wipers to smear it away.

Briefly I think of the letter full of secrets that couldn't be held onto any longer that I left behind on the road. I hope he finds it before the storm comes and the rain washes away everything I wrote. Then it would just be a wet lump of paper that didn't mean anything, and the last thing he would have to remember me by would disintegrate between his fingers.

_what I gave is yours to keep.

* * *

_

_**a/n: white houses - vanessa carlton. my favourite song. feedback would be really appreciated!  
**__**so this has been hanging around my computer for over a year, decided to finish it because JONAS LA basically stole my freakin' idea. bitches.**_


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